A Pep Talk in the Yard
by Doesnotknowname
Summary: Rider tells Archer all about her brazen attempt to take Shirou's bicycle, while the King of Knights glumly rakes the leaves nearby.


In the courtyard, just a stone's throw away from where Saber was unhappily raking leaves, sits Rider with a book in one hand and her chin on the other. The book itself was rather dull, but the pleasant warmth of a late afternoon summer sure wasn't.

"This is a surprise. Usually you read inside your room."

Rider lifts her head and catches the end of Archer's materialization. The knight leans against the courtyard wall, arms crossed of course, with one eye lazily gazing at her.

"I just thought I would enjoy myself for a bit before it grows too cold." she says curtly. She didn't particularly dislike the cold, but the heat reminded her of the sun-kissed islands she once called home.

"Why not go for a ride around town then?" Archer asks, "The shed still has plenty of bikes; and with your riding skill, you could make it back in time for dinner from the edge of Fuyuki."

Rider's cheek twitches. "None of the bikes have the proper gears to move at those speeds. Only Number One does, and it's only for Shirou. He won't let anyone else touch it."

Archer's other eye opens. Now he's interested.

"Oh? I can't recall him ever being possessive."

"It's true. I've tried every bribe I could think of. Even when I…"

Rider trails off, as her face begins to drain the heat from the air around it.

"Yes? What did you do?" Not that Archer needed an explanation, even he wasn't that dense. It was fun to tease her though.

Rider snaps her book shut and squeaks out her confession. "I… I thought I could seduce him into giving it. I told him we could do whatever he wanted. I used my mystic eyes too, for good measure.

Like pulling a splinter out.

"I take it that didn't go so well."

She sighs.

"No, Sakura was watching the whole thing. Not that it mattered anyway, he wasn't biting..."

Rider became rather interested in the patch of soil beneath her feet. Her lips curl inward.

"...Who would love a monster anyway?"

Silently, Archer sits next to her, his gaze returns to the courtyard.

"Listen well, I'm sure the boy finds you very attractive; he'd be blind not to, and I know for sure he isn't."

Archer doesn't turn to her, his eyes remain fixed somewhere else.

"But that's just not how he works. Don't let it sadden you. He does indeed love you." His hand lightly gestures toward the house. "They all do."

A little smile finds its way into Rider's face.

"You must be right. T-Thank you, Archer."

"Hmph." Archer cracks a half-smile of his own.

"Still…" Rider continues, her smile slowly widening into a grin. "I wonder what it would take to know his touch. Maybe if I held back less with my eyes?"

As these words carry over the yard, a sharp crack rings through the air.

* * *

On the other side of the yard, Saber fumes as she slowly rakes the leaves into one pile. This was preposterous! Her? A king? Being made to do menial work? This wasn't worth the time of her pages, much less the great king of knights!

As her mind gives in to the boredom, Saber concocts her revenge. During training tonight, she would beat Shirou especially hard, then she would keep her silence all throughout dinner, no matter how delicious it was. And if he thought of talking to her after, she would be far too tired! Some foolish boy made her spend her afternoon raking stupid leaves into a stupid pile of stupid…

"He won't let anyone else touch it."

Saber's ears catches Rider's complaint as the wind carries it to her. Aha! Another member of the house with a bone to pick with Shirou. Perhaps she would be open to some cooperation.

"I… I thought I could seduce him…"

What.

"I told him we could do whatever he wanted."

What?

"I used my mystic eyes too, for good measure."

 _What?_

This constituted nothing less than an attack on her master! Saber silently contemplates on her ability to strike at Rider from this great a distance. The rake's handle fidgets in her hands, as her gauntlets materialized and disappeared rapidly. She must calm down. A fight would greatly displease her Shirou.

It seemed that Rider held some affections for her master. This was not good. Saber knew she was no slouch when it came to looks, but Rider was _dazzling,_ with her long legs, beautiful, even longer hair, and all the feminine curves Saber would never have!

She changes her plans as her rake quickens dramatically. Tonight, she would be especially careful with handling Shirou. In fact, maybe she should pick him up whenever he falls to the floor, just to smoothen out his training. Come dinner, she would lavish praise on him, make full use of the vocabulary that years of Merlin's tutelage had given her. And and and, later that night, she would go to the shed and carry him back to his room after he would have fallen asleep from his training again. In fact, she would have this great nightmare, oh yes, and clearly it was a sign that she should remain at his side all night. And perhaps if he was very cold, as the nights were wont to be, she would embrace him just a little…

"You must be right. T-thank you Archer."

Oh! It seemed that Archer talked her down. Just like Archer, how helpful. Saber resumes her slow and steady pace.

"Still… I wonder what it would take to know his touch. Maybe if I held back less with my eyes?"

 _Crack._

The rake's handle splinters in two, as Saber's body is engulfed by magical steel. That's it!

* * *

Archer stares at the gaping hole in the wall, where mere seconds ago, a silver-blue missile hurled itself at them and plowed through Rider with enough strength to make Berserker blush. This was bad. Every house in a three block radius would be annihilated in their deadly combat. He would have to bring them both down quickly, then patch the hole before Shirou got home. Or worse, Rin.

He would need backup. He whips out his phone and prepares to yank Lancer from his shift.

Through the hole, a mushroom cloud forms over the horizon.

Make that Lancer and Caster.


End file.
